Some days ago, I had an interesting conversation about

“struggling between me and my kids”

with a wonderful lady. And she was willing to publish our conversation. Because she wants to contribute to other women, who might be in a similar situation. And I agree, I guess there are a lot of them around.

– Sometimes I find it hard to choose between me and my kids. I know one can not pour unless her cup is full, …

Klaus Forster: So true, if you give up yourself for others, means you don’t love yourself enough. One can do that from time to time, but doing it all the time, it turns into a burn out in the long run.

– but sometimes priority has to do with time, too.

Klaus Forster: A lack of time is always the result of unclear priorities. E. g. because we do a lot of things, which are just our habits but do not serve us. Time is fair: Everybody gets 24 h per day. Some people have time, others are always under stress and claim that they have to little time. Setting better priorities is the key: https://vitality4happiness.com/are-you-setting-the-right-priorities/

– Like I have saved some money for my yoga teacher training, but the reason why I am not registered yet because I wait in case my daughter will need the money for her university.

Klaus Forster: A lack of money is always a symptom, never the cause. So start digging deeper and find all the problems, put them in a sequence, which one is depending on another one. You may want to write them on some PostIt stickers so that you easily move them until the sequence makes sense. Then have someone have a look at it, you can send me a photo of it, and we can discuss it. Everybody has a blind spot, and for someone else, the reason is often obvious. Here is the story of how I realized what my blind spot was: https://vitality4happiness.com/how-a-mastermind-group-works/

– What is a blind spot?

Klaus Forster: Some problem or behavior someone can’t recognize and solve by himself, but for others the problem and it’s solution is obvious.

– So I have 4 kids, divorced, my ex-husband does not support me, he was unemployed during our 10 years of marriage and still unemployed now.

Klaus Forster: I think you got a strong male energy, and he wasn’t able to compete with that. So he lost your respect. (I am speaking from experience 😉 This sounds to me like the end of the love of my life). It was cozy and comfortable for him having you taking care of everything. Did you do the test about male/female energy: https://core.tonyrobbins.com/gender-quotient

A relationship needs both. If the woman has a stronger masculine energy than the man (what happened to me) the loss of respect is the result, then it gets ugly.

So the solution is: Find a partner who got a stronger male energy than yours.

– I did, I have female energy, life taught me a hard life that shaped me into what I am.

Klaus Forster: I am not sure, maybe we discovered a blind spot?

– Anyway, I told my 1st daughter to talk to his father to see if he could help her with her tuition this year, as I will enroll her sister this year. Last year we agreed to share our 1st daughter tuition but none, he did nothing.

Klaus Forster: You are putting the responsibility to your daughter. And this is a wonderful thing, especially at her age. They want to be treated as a partner, not as a child anymore. So if she can’t make him pay for it, encourage her to find another solution. Work part-time, scholarship, become an entrepreneur, … (actually, I like the last idea the best!)

– So waiting for his participation, I delay my teacher training.

Klaus Forster: If you consider yourself as waiting, you will wait forever. Increase your pain, imagine what will happen in the worst case, find out why you need to make a change, make it a MUST. Then think about the target and take the first step in its direction. The earlier the better. Already after the first few steps the pressure and pain will go away. But the pain is good in the beginning. It makes you move: https://vitality4happiness.com/the-drive-for-massive-change/

– I know the priority should be on me, …

Klaus Forster: You already understood it!

– because I am the breadwinner, I am gonna need the certificate to teach formally (I have taught some friends, but I know having the certificate is safer), but I don’t have a deadline in getting it, while my daughter has (in paying the university tuition). But the fact that I delay the teacher training kinda frustrates me as I am looking forward to this.

Klaus Forster: 4 times “but” in this sentence means you are making excuses for yourself = being arrested in your own prison: https://vitality4happiness.com/escape/

  • Any advice on how I should handle this? The depression and anxiety kinda attack me as I am waiting for this to go through.

Klaus Forster: Depression is always a result of low self-confidence. As I know you, I think you are feeling depressed only once in a while, and not permanently. So it is not critical and you are most likely able to help yourself out of it. You already acknowledged this: https://vitality4happiness.com/confidence-by-jenny-verano/

The next step is to do the first step. Define your target, increase your pain, take the first few steps utilizing pain as the driver to get started. If the target or the first steps are not perfect, it doesn’t matter, you can correct the direction on the way. It is essential to building up momentum, that keeps you going even through difficult situations. But soon, you will see the first successes and then pleasure will replace the pain and makes you go for the long run: https://vitality4happiness.com/the-energy-to-make-dreams-come-true/

 

 

Klaus Forster: You are writing: I am building her business …

She should build her …

It is a method of leadership if you think you have to do it, or she has to do it.

Actually, if you think YOU have to do it: This is already a reason why you don’t have enough time.

A good leader works less than his/her employees.

And it starts, with the way you think about it.

– First I’m building it, then she slowly jumped in, I told her on her 19 birthday, I will give it to her and she would be responsible as I will stop supporting her financially. That will be in August.

Klaus Forster: This is a wonderful plan! Congratulation

 

 

 

Klaus Forster: Sorry, I don’t understand what it means. Your initial statement was:

“Sometimes I find it hard to choose between me and my kids. I know one can not pour unless her cup is full, but sometimes priority has to do with time, too.”

I understood it like this: the (lack of) time influences/sets the priorities.

How does it deal with a payment deadline?

 

 

Klaus Forster: If it is not possible to pay it, you might think about taking them out of school for one semester and let them work and save the money for it. They will learn so much from it about life, work and appreciate it much more when they go back to university after the break.

 

 

Klaus Forster: I have the feeling you are very active. And you are keeping a lot of balls in the air at the same time. If you can’t see the progress anymore and even feel sometimes depressed:

It is time to take a break, to avoid running into a burnout.

The momentum you build will show results after a short break, e. g. 1 week.

The distance will allow you to reprioritize, which gives you more time in the future.

When getting back, you will see how little needs to be done, you probably can get everything done what wasn’t possible to do without you in half a day! Which shows you, which tasks you can transfer to other people (transfer a task means to delegate including the responsibility for the results)

You will learn that the system does not collapse if you are away, which supports your confidence.

 

 

Klaus Forster: When I went to Germany in January my employee was in this situation as well. It took me 3 days to realize, what the problem was. You can be proud of yourself, that you can say it so clear. I sent him for one week on vacation, bought him and his girlfriend a ticket and told him to switch off the mobile phone.

So what I described above is not theory: I saw that as a result of his abstinence, as well from my own experience. As I describe in the free chapter:

“The freedom to work from wherever you want”

https://vitality4happiness.com/networking-at-dream-beaches-the-freedom-of-a-digital-nomads-life/

 

 

Klaus Forster: This sounds like you are not living according to your own values. That costs a lot of energy and leads into a burnout.

So first of all: Are you aware of your values?

Do your values serve you?

Probably not best possible. The good news is: Values are like software, you can change them!

What would be a better set of values, that serve you better?

Implement them and live them and your energy will come back.

I think you have love, contribution and perfectionism ranked pretty high in your values. Especially perfectionism leads to a lot of work and a lack of time. And with contribution ranked too high, it is likely that others abuse you and suck your energy and money like your ex-husband did.

 

 

Klaus Forster: Maybe I underestimated how critical your situation is. If it is really that bad, you might need a psychiatrist. This is not a shame! It rather would be a shame if a wonderful person would leaf this world too early, just because of a depression, which is not treated well.

In this case, it might go beyond my capabilities to support you with that. I am not trained on that.

– that is what I’m doing now. I am building her business under my organization. Now I start asking her to attend training and do admin stuff.

Klaus Forster: This is a wonderful plan! Congratulation

– with my kids, I have to pay their tuition by July, I got 2 kids in university this year

Klaus Forster: If it is not possible to pay it, you might think about taking them out of school for one semester and let them work and save the money for it. They will learn so much from it about life, work and appreciate it much more when they go back to university after the break.

-Yes. I’m thinking of using the money as down payment to buy a car which they can use to grab driver, all the money will be used to pay the credit and gas and they take the rest. They said ok.

 

 

– Actually, I am taking a break now… I am away, it is my second day and while I’m away I gave my daughter some responsibilities and I could see she managed to delegate to her sisters, which is good she learn to lead

Klaus Forster: The best school she can get! Excellent idea, and if you give people more responsibility their intelligence explodes (= grows a lot)!

– oh yes.

Klaus Forster: If you don’t feel good after your break, get professional help. Because I feel at the limit of my competence at this point.

Anyway, I am more than happy to support you in any entrepreneurial development and also the development of the mindset as a basis for that. But I know where my limits are.

– no, like you said It is not permanent. I’m taking a break and felt better now knowing my daughter start taking responsibility

Klaus Forster: 👍

 

Following up one day later:

Klaus Forster: Good morning

How do you feel this morning?

– Good morning Klaus, I feel better, just did my morning walk, breakfast and resting a bit before yoga a bit later. How are you?

Klaus Forster: I read what we discussed yesterday, and I am impressed how clear you are able to analyze your situation!

– I am usually very aligned with my self, know what I want and pursue it. I just need to remind my self that there are things you can not control, other people behavior. And when you help them, stop at helping, do not expect they understand what you are doing let alone expect them to do what you do.

And I need to remind my self that when depression kick in, just acknowledge, and let it go, I don’t need to spoil it.

Klaus Forster: I already thought about that: in the yoga teacher class you will learn a lot about: let go

I can imagine that you are also suffering from the fear to let go of your kids … but at their age, it is time to do so and it is the best present you can give them. Even if not initially, they will be grateful one day and love you for that even more.

– funny you mention self love, that is what we encourage women.

Klaus Forster: Thank you for inspiring me for this

– in our tribe, glamour, and purpose, that self-love and self-care are very important. Thank you for listening to me, advising and writing it.

Klaus Forster: That is what advertising tells us, but that’s not self-love. That is pimping the outside. Even if you are unhappy inside. Self-love is about a mindset.

– Everything is mindset I guess: So the bottom line is how to train your mindset, from fix to growth mindset

Klaus Forster: So true. Thank you for the interview.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *